I guess I’ve begun to communicate myself via Erykah Badu, and it seems appropriate since I’ve been at a loss for words for weeks. Maybe she can say it better than I can. or whatever. she’s badass.

Anyway, I saw Alice Walker’s fan page on Facebook today, and it ignited in me the realization that I live in a time in which Alice Walker is a brand. Last week I read her short stories about women (in a one evening) and knew immediately that this is what I am to do. (Duh, right?) Tell women’s stories, okay. But what I felt after reading Alice (and after reading Sula) forced me to stay grounded in telling real stories. stories that aren’t often told. my story. real women like my mother, my fellow Capricorn sistafriendmama Lucia, our grandmothers, women of color and the queer ones especially. We must tell our stories to our children, one another, ourselves, strangers or whoever.

I’m just ranting now, but I just want to say that I have encountered some awesome, badass, amazing women in my life. I’m just gonna make a chant of however many names I can think of right now.

tarynkarinmadyanaiyanacorinnekylashiseidaelizashanequa

nikitanikitanikitadiedrareesajesslucidebzoesidzoesidzoesidney.

love

E.

**note: written after having ingested medicinal herbs.

Smiling today, for not only am I alive, I am living.

E.

“I don’t like to make 99 cent songs…”

Contrary to what you may be thinking at this point, I didn’t decide to write this blog to big up Erykah Badu’s new joint (although I am pretty damn psyched about it). I wanted to post this video because of the first line she spoke in it. A lot of people talk shit about Erykah and her infrequent album releases, so when she says, “I don’t like to make 99 cent songs,” I felt her on an astral level.

I am a writer. The last time I posted anything on this blog was December 19. It is now March 25. During this three month hiatus, a lot has transpired; I’ve shaken off those winter blues that plague some of us, I have dropped everything to relocate to the mountains of North Carolina in order to elevate my healing, and I am seeing myself in ways that I never allowed myself to in the past. I’m releasing guilt that I’ve felt about not writing, and I’m writing again. At least I’m writing again.

I don’t like to write shit just to be able to say that I have written. This is largely why I haven’t published a book yet. I seek to create masterpieces in the works that I choose to present to the world; this is my legacy we’re talking about.

So anyway, I just say this to say, as I’m healing, I can see now why it has been inappropriate for me to engage in the projects that I’ve pondered or began during the past year. I can see that I haven’t been prepared to make them masterpieces because I have been severely wounded both spiritually and emotionally.

But I am healing.

And you know what else? I miss Atlanta; Black bourgeois and all.

I googled "atlanta black people" and found this photo by Carla Lopez.. betta ask somebody..

E.

I see myself being like Staceyann when I finish growing up, or at least by the time I reach the point she has. I discovered (in the Columbus sense on youtube) this online lesbian talk show called “She Said What?” tonight; it was like the indie lesbian version of The View (although it was produced by logoonline.com). I think the main factor that kept me watching (all of the 7-9 minute shows I could find) was Staceyann Chin being one of the four hosts. Though the show can be a bit air-headed and surface-laden with chats about The L Word and the latest gay celeb gossip, it features quality celebrity lesbian guests and Staceyann keeps the whole ordeal grounded with her sharp, truth-spitting tongue. Courageous tongue.

I need to write poetry.

and sleep eludes me again.

I was also watching this documentary about genderqueer Black women called The Aggressives. It really made me want to hurry up and move to New York, today. Director Daniel Peddle followed five Aggressive-identified, young, black lesbians around New York for five years and produced an astonishingly honest and candid look into an aspect of American culture that is rarely explored publicly. I fell in love with the characters, especially the olive skinned Latina Kisha Batista. She was the most feminine of all the AGs, and she was the only one of the five who was making any significant amount of money. At the time of the taping, she was breaking into the modeling industry. I didn’t too much dig the fronts she rocked in the documentary, but Kisha has grown up a bit these days.

Kisha, post Spike Lee exposure

Such a cutie.

That is all.

E.

“Today has been a rough day, I’ve been so sad and overwelemed with hopelessness, sometimes I don’t think I can stand it. My dr put me on a new med today and I ‘am scared to take it because the side affects seem harsh. But I guess at this point I have nothing to lose. One of my best friends is in town and I didn’t even want to see her, I didn’t want her to see me like this, I don’t want her to think I’ve lost it even if I feel I have. She is such a doll with so much hope for her life ahead and I have none that I don’t want to bring her down with me.” -exerpt from an online forum for people suffering from depression

I imagined that if I act as if I don’t exist, then the world will honor my request, but it hasn’t quite worked that way. Something powerful keeps me tied to this tired world, this healing world in peril. I am like the world. Hell, I am the world. As I realize this, I understand why I cannot give up on the world, on life, and on love. It would be akin to a Christian giving up on God.

I was once told that a sin is defined as  an act against one’s own soul, defiance of all inner-knowing and intuition. To sin is to make the wrong choice. But within our sins lie life’s building blocks of growth, and growth is one of life’s few constants. When there is no longer a need or desire for growth, the sin will cease and we will become clean again. Or something like that.

I was born like this: dirty and deviant. So called. I have an idea of what and where I actually come from, what I am here to accomplish, and the specific areas of life that will involve. I have an idea. However my vision, while keen, is largely obscured by mental illness, addiction, and temptation. I imagined that I could deaden myself to it, to life, and somehow be swept into my destiny by unseen forces. Instead I have been swimming in circles in a stagnant pond of my own creation.

I don’t want to say that depression is debilitating, because I feel guilty, as if I am making an excuse for my inefficiency. I don’t want to say that each day is a success simply because I made it through it without throwing in the towel. That some days I want to do reckless shit, some days I self-medicate all day long, and some days it’s difficult to smile. I’m always cold and I don’t sleep well.

Who wants to hear that wining, right? Everybody has problems; deal with them, right?

Yeah, well. Tell that to my mother, asshole.

I’m pissed because it shouldn’t be this hard. Something is awry when living incites such deep sadness that is impossible to shake.

I lied when I said “fine.” I’m not fine at this time.

If I could just remove this boot from my neck.

E.

You are good when you are one with yourself.

You are good when you strive to give of yourself.

You are good when you are fully awake in your speech.

You are good when you walk to your goal firmly and with bold steps.

You are good in countless ways, yet you are not evil when you are not good.

For what is evil but good tortured by its own hunger and thirst?

-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

During these times of transition and transformation, it seems imperative that, as a world community, we re-examine our ideals and beliefs around the concepts of good and evil. As more and more people seem to willingly “climb into the night,” we seem to be embroiled in a metaphysical battle between good and evil; as physical beings, we are used to fight the battles of non-physical entities (they have been called angels and demons) much like the United States and the Soviet Union used conquered nations to fight The Cold War. Many of us walk, talk, and live our lives as unconscious zombies, unwittingly fulfilling the dark purposes of the entities that possess us.

But what does this even mean?

While this analysis may sound like something out of a science fiction novel, we must come to terms with the reality that we are all possessed; it is just a matter of recognizing and naming our demons that will liberate our minds and thus our souls. Let us cease to be like doomed animals headed for slaughter. Let us instead be vigilant in our own analysis of the world around us. And let us not be fooled by the illusion of our separateness; let us not be slaves to our egos.

Our egos would revel in seeing us living compartmentalized lives, our thoughts and beliefs contained within the walls of our societal constructs. It is a function of the Ego to keep us thinking in terms of separation, not only from one another, but also separation from Spirit. As we live in perpetual fear with the need to punish the “wrongdoers” (which has led to the Prison Industrial Complex as we know it), we are like dogs on leashes being led around by our overzealous egos. This also gives birth to concepts of blame, competition, projection, repression, and especially guilt, for guilt is at the center of the Ego’s power over us.

We talk about Spirit (God), the Ego, demons, and angels objectively as if they are separate from us because we speak through the voices of our egos. As much as we are one with God, we are one with the Devil. The Devil is nothing more than a personification of the aspects of ourselves that we deem to be bad. We disconnect ourselves from our “wrongdoings” and project them onto a mythical being on which we can blame all of the world’s ills while repressing our own guilt.

The truth of the matter is, we all have a dark side, a shadow. Each one of us has tendencies that align with those we persecute the most vehemently. We are all capable of murder, rape, and even genocide. We all lust and engage in gluttony. Any one of us could be a slave to fame and money in this life or another. The dark side of humanity, the shadow, is ultimately repressed in most humans until we give it so much power that it seems to become an entity all its own that reeks havoc on our lives both individually and collectively.

They say the biggest prank the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn’t exist. If we have a real working understanding of what the Devil actually is and how it functions within each one of us, we see how this proverb urges us to confront the evil within. However, unlike the popular doom and gloom narratives, this confrontation does not have to be a battle in which someone wins and someone else must lose. Instead, it can be an act of mercy and forgiveness undertaken in efforts to unify these seemingly opposing aspects of ourselves, and thus the world.

What would Jesus do?

Most people have lost touch with what the prophet we now call Jesus would do in current day to day situations. This is evidenced by the backwardness inherent in our American society. Law institutions imprison and murder impoverished “wrongdoers,” activists demonize and seek to continually battle against lofty ideals, corporations, and individuals with no resolution in mind, and religious institutions argue over who is right and who will be doomed to eternal damnation out of ignorance. It is of great importance that we re-align ourselves with the original messages of prophets such as Christ and Buddha as opposed to evoking their names in an effort to claim a certain positioning above others.

Above all else, we must forgive ourselves, and we must forgive others. We must confess (to ourselves) when we feel that we have acted outside of Righteousness, and we must be willing to be forgiven (by ourselves). This is how we will bring the shadow into light, and we know what happens to darkness when light is shined upon it.

 

E.

…I slept for almost twelve hours.

The first thing I remember is finding these two children; one a little boy about 5 and the other a little girl of about 8 or 9. I was staying in this house that was multi-leveled and multi-layered; no one seemed to have their own room and it was so crowded that everyone would just have to find a place to sleep every night. There was always enough room, though. I took a particular interest in this little girl that had been found who seemed to have no home, making sure she had a place to sleep in the chaos, making sure she had food, and making sure she felt safe and understood what was going on. This went on for a few days.

Then, all of a sudden, I began to distance myself from her. I didn’t know why, I just had a deeply-rooted feeling that she would harm me in some way, so I began avoiding her, and thinking about ways I could get rid of her and her brother (whose presence I rarely acknowledged). The next day,  as the little girl walked around in the long, pink pajama shirt I had given her, I noticed that she had started her period; she felt different to me as she walked across the yard with blood stains on her clothes to go sit beneath a tree alone.

A part of me felt sorry for her and wanted to go over to her and explain what was happening to her body. Another part of me told myself to stay back and figure out how to get rid or her as soon as possible. I felt that I couldn’t even keep her clothes around or any trace that indicated her presence; I had to completely erase her.

So, I went with my sister to visit Urban Underground (apparently I am in Milwaukee and Atlanta simultaneously, or U2 is now nationwide), an organization that shaped me in my youth. She had planned to obtain some social justice documentary of some sort, while I was seeking to ask Reggie if he knew of any places I could drop the children. My mom shows up then, and after not getting much help there, I move on and my sister becomes someone else.

This is when the dream gets a little scary…

TBC

E.

“Are you a Good witch or a Bad witch?”

This question, as it was posed to Dorothy by Glinda, is the most fundamental question that we must ask ourselves during this time. Who are you? Are you of the light force, or the dark force? Perhaps you play for both sides like I have done; maybe you’re a spy. Maybe you are used as a tool by one side or the other. I’ll tell you one thing; it is much “better” to be used or possessed by forces of light than it is to be taken by dark forces. How do you know if you are being taken by dark forces? Well, just look at the results of your actions; look at the karma that is created.

And if you happen to be disconnected from Spirit, that is, if you pay no attention to the metaphysical causations and repercussions of physical actions, then you may be an unwitting vessel. Stay woke.

“The energy you send to me comes back to you, times three.”

When I woke up today, my head was still spinning. The predominant emotion in my body was anger, and I found myself scanning my memory for all of the spells and rituals that I have done when I have been unduly met with aggression in the past. After about an hour of conversing with my guides and a few ancestors in meditation, I decided to just focus on forgiveness and never leave home without my Armor again.

After all, they didn’t really know what they were doing, did they? Were they unwitting agents, or did they have conscious motives that sought my defeat? When does jonin’ turn into psychic attack, and when is it ever okay to tear someone down for one’s own amusement, middle school?

In the moment, my heart had begun to race and I couldn’t pretend to be interested in what was being said to me anymore. I stopped talking and began to breathe. Three shadowy figures swirled around me, barely touching me, but taunting me with how close they got, they seemed pleased that they were able to penetrate my aura. I had been previously weakened. I was sure that no one else could see this, but I knew that everyone present could feel it and took part in it at some level. I heard a voice, loud and clear, tell me, “protect yourself. forgive them. move on from here, your work is finished.” When I lifted my head from the cradles of my hands, I saw the purple light in the corner and it was brighter than I had ever seen it. Immediately I knew who the voice belonged to, and I thanked her for standing with me.

I can see the reason why I was introduced into the situation. It has clearly been served; all is well in paradise. I shall take my leave now.

Be gentle with yourself. Hold closest the ones who will also be gentle with you.

Word.

Up.

E.

He re-ignited the beast within me; no one else could possibly understand.

Fuck. Now what?

E.

Some say it’s of bad taste to libate for someone who is still living, but I do this often, and it is quite powerful.

I called on Alice Walker yesterday as I sat at Spelman with some of my sisters feeling slightly out of place. We libated, not just for her, but for other fore-mothers as well. I felt slightly out of place there, not having graduated. Having left Spelman to pursue healing both academically and spiritually didn’t and doesn’t seem to be a viable, respectable option in considering where to direct one’s life.

And so what? And what of women whose talents we revere or respect? We tend to equate them with their talents creating in our minds false versions of them that are larger than us, but they are not their talents, they are just humbled spirits, like us.

No disrespect, Ms. Walker, but you are no grander than I.

…and I worship you (your words/contributions to humanity).

E.